An Angsty Biography of an Angsty Teen

                I was born in the 18th of June 2001 in Denpasar, my childhood was pretty uneventful and all you need to know is that i was an active and noisy child through out my first decade of existence. It was at middle school in 2013 when life started to not be boring.

               I decided to follow my best friend to an Islamic school, one of the worst decisions I've ever taken. The school had bad facility, the restroom was dirty, the tables were old and most of the chairs were patio chairs. The inhabitants of the school wasn't the best either. Most of the student are lazy and violent delinquents with no desire to learn at all and the teacher are equally uninspired an were unable to control the students. This wasn't a problem when i was in seventh grade because in truth I've never care much about education either.

              My best friend and I were put in different classes and i found it hard to make new friends because for most of my life my best friend had been making friends for me. However i did make SOME friends. Farda, a shy and smart guy with a shared passion for gaming. And, Rio, a sometimes violent but ultimately well meaning upperclassman. However i mostly hung out with my old friends. Archie, the aforementioned best friend and Fitri, my SECOND best friend who went to a different school. Things were quite alright at that time actually, i didn't hate middle school then. It was at the second semester when things started going downhill. I found that Archie had made a lot of new friends and becoming evermore distant, my grades went down but Worst of all... Rio died of a motorcycle accident just weeks before the year-end test. His friends said he was visiting his grandfather's grave but i suspect it was just one of the joyrides his delinquent friends like to take. 

          In my second year in middle school i decided that i would be a diligent student and improve my grades, this means i have less time to socialize because i had to take extra courses after school. Me and my best friend were put in the same class this time and we started getting closer again. He would take whenever he go out with his friends on weekends and introduced me to a lot of new people. It was in my second year that i had my first girlfriend.

         One of the friends Archie introduced to me was Adjani, a witty, cultured and cheerful girl from another school. We (just Adjani and I) began to go out together on saturdays.We would talk about a lot of stuffs like politics and pop culture.  It was nice meeting someone as smart as i was and i began to feel attracted to her. And so i asked her out one night in Beachwalk and then we became a couple. We decided to keep it a secret because as i said it was my first time dating anyone, i didn't know what to do and i felt quite uncomfortable sharing our relationships to all my friend. It started out good, we went to different schools so we arranged a meeting, usually every weekend. And during weekdays we would stay in contact through the phone.

       But one day about three weeks before the year-end test she just stopped contacting me and we didn't meet each other again for a long time. She said that she's just preparing for her test and so i believed her. But when the test was over she didn't contact me either. So when ninth grade stared i went to her school and asks to see her, Rais, a guy i know there said that she'd move to Jakarta with her BOYFRIEND Akbar sometime ago. And this was when i realized what had happened. Lets review so she just stopped calling me one day, said she was just preparing for the test, she finished her test, she still didn't call me and a month later she just moved away a thousand miles and she didnt even tell me. I was to dumb to see the signs but at that time i knew....i got dumped. I was upset but not because of the dumping itself, just the utter disrepect in the way she did it. She could have at least told me. But i wasn't really sad that the relationship ended. Thinking about it now i think there was never any relationship to begin with.

       It was at that time also that i found out my best friend was talking bad about me behind my back. Now we're REALLY distant from each other. Not only that, Farda also moved away to Belitung. And most of my old friends moved away from Denpasar too. I decided that there was no longer any point to living in Bali and  began planning to go to another City in high school.

       My first choice was Labschool Kebayoran in Jakarta. I studied really hard for the entrance the but i underestimated just HOW MUCH i need to study. And so i finished the first phase of the test and realized just how hard this will be, so i started studying during the break time in the canteen, all alone since i was the only one from my school. But low and behold, guess who i saw on the canteen? none other than Adjani. That... was a REALLY awkward meeting, there was silence... but i eventually spoke up. I greet her and asked her friend if we could talk alone for just a moment. She was with a guy so i asked her if that was Akbar. She said it is, with a flat face. I asked her what happened and for moment i think there was a glimpse of emotion in her, a mix of anger,discomfort and a hint of sadness. She calmed her face down and said with a slightly pitying voice that I have always seemed distant to her, that deep down i was upset with something and i need to talk about it with her and the fact that i never did means that i'm hiding something from her and she just couldn't emotionally connect with me if that was the case. She said that i clearly need someone to talk to but she sees that it is not her. she said that she don't want to deal with me anymore. 

         I close the book i was reading and said "I don't need to past this test... I think it's beneficial if we don't see each other again." Well its not like i was going to past ANYWAY, but i think that was a great reply.
       I dint past the entrance test of course no surprise there. Lucky for me i had a back up plan. Next city on my list is Bandung and next school on my list is Taruna Bakti, the high school my mother went to. I am determined to move away and live on my own, and my parents said that this is my LAST chance and that if i failed THIS one i would just go to a high school in Bali. Makes sense, the cost of looking for a school in another island wasn't cheap after all. So i REALLY studied hard for this entrance test, i went to extra courses four times a week and the 8 hours i usually spent on my computer or in the TV room every day is now spent with reading, exercises and summarizing in my room. I couldn't count on anyone at that time not my teachers, not my friends not even my own parents. I knew that only I have the power to decide how my life will go, I've been idle for too long and I cant keep counting on other people's help. If i don't start taking the initiative i would find myself living a very unfulfilling life, unable to cope with the harshness of the world.
      The sacrifices I've made in those months have paid off, because I ACED that test, i left the test room feeling confident and sure enough... a month later i have been accepted to the school, there had never been any doubt, but it still felt good. When i found out about my acceptance there is strange feeling of tranquility inside of me... like these past years have been one long and hard-fought struggle and this is the peak of that struggle, which i have overcome. But i will soon discover that succeeding in one goal doesn't mean you're set for life

    Sooo, 2016, now i'm living on my own in Bandung. I was excited thinking about all the things i could do by myself, but i ended up not doing much. Oh except for this little thing called HAVING AFUCCCIN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AND AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX. Yeaah the second half of 2016 was the worst time of my life. School was okaaay, took some time to adapt but.. y'know.. eventually i manage. I made some friends during the independence day celebration and that's enough to last me a year. But when i received my first report card it was all SHIT, i had the third worst grades out of the 30 people in my class and i feel like TraShhhh. The guy that sat next to me in class was nice, he is my first friend in class and he's nice we had quite a lot in common.. ohh... and there's this little thing that is The FACTc tHAt HEIS LITERALLY THE SMARTEST StuDENT IN SCHOOOOL, yeah this is that inferiority complex part i talked about. You see after being put in the school's honour class i feel like i'm never good enough at anything.. like.. no matter what i do my results were mediocre at best, and this really destroyed my sense of self worth. So i feel like im not good enough for anybody aaand sort of become a loner. However the determination that'd brought me here in the first place kicks in, and i started to find ways to improve myself. I began examining how all the top students in my class studies, i pay more attention at school and began taking notes of everything and i spent most of my time at home studying. Things eventually started improving, although im still at the bottom half of the class it is a great improvement compared to where i was before. But i still had no motivation to actually go to school, i improved my grades so i could feel better about myself but i didn't really have something i could look forward to in school. I did attend the comics club every wednesday but all that did was remind me of how utterly useless i am and how talented everybody else is. And so all i did during that time was continue improving my grades and wait for the semester break.
    I went to Bali for two weeks in December to meet up with my old friends a bit, and that kinda renewed my sense of self worth a little. Archie and a some of my other friend and i would go out to kuta and yell at strangers like we used to. And i remembered that i AM wanted and i DO have some use in life.
   And so i went back to Bandung with renewed self confidence and excitement to learn. All went well! My grades continued improving i feel like i worth something i was happy and then February came and oOOo0oOOoOooooooooooooohhhhh SHIT..... where's my wallet? Yup, i lost my wallet and this is a BIG DEAL actually. Like... this put me in a bad mood for most of February, and i sort of started to act like a grumpy douchebag. I went full Angst this time, all the momentum i had going in 2017 were all GONE. But eventually my mom came to bandung to help me sort out my financials aaand with a short vacation to Jakarta im OKay AGAIN! yada yadda yadda nothing much happens in march aaandd.. ooh! April! this is the best month in 2017 for me! I went to Jakarta to live with my sister for a week and it was WHHHHEEEEEE FUUUNNNNN!!!! I really liked the metropolitan feel of Jakarta actually, unlike most people. We traveled all over the streets living the urban life and sometimes going to the fancy malls. BUt it was FUN! It was a refreshing new experience and it made me ready for the next two months of tenth grade! Sooo yadda yadda yaddaa i failed to past for a foreign exchange program... something abouth the cinema?I think?... i finished the year-end test...

and now im in eleventh grade....... FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCC

LIkEEEee im not ready TO be an aDuLT?? can i goback? please? Soooo july came and i'm in the honor class again, same old class...same old room.. same old teacher... maybe i DID went back... BUT. I am now in the same class as the sweet cinnamon roll Alfreza. Aaand despite nothing much happening during the first months of school i DO have a reason to go to school. Aaaand that's where we are now. I'll update this again next time if you really care that much.